i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
