I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
