My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
