god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
