we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
