god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
