My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
