I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Holy sore nipples Batman
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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