tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
