so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
