if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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