I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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