I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
