the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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