...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
