Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
