I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
