the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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