It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
