They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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