You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
