I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
