You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
