Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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