Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
