So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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