Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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