I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
