When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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