Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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