Im at strip club and am horny
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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