my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
