so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
