So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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