I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
