My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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