Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
