I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
