Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
