My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
