I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
