matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
