apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
