chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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