I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
