one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
