He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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