Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
