My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
