you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
